Hello

Mark and I have been married for 11 years and have 2 amazing kiddos!  We had always been social drinkers and would spend most of our weekends enjoying a few cocktails while hanging with friends. Around 2018 was when I first realized that Mark's drinking was much more than social drinking. 

 

Things started to go downhill from there.  There was lots of drinking behind my back- some that I found out about, some that I did not. I was constantly on edge wondering if when I left the house, was Mark drinking?  We would have people over on the weekend to hang out and after 3 beers, Mark was drunk. I knew something wasn't right. 

 

During those 4 years, I struggled tremendously.  I felt like I aged 20 years. I gained weight because I used eating as a way to comfort me. I spent most of the time worrying about Mark and I truly felt that took over my life. It wasn't good on my end almost as much as it wasn't good with Mark's drinking. Looking back now, I was a textbook codependent. I thought I could do everything in my power to make Mark stop drinking. I yelled, I cried, I even kicked him out a few times. I spent time worrying/focusing on his every move. I felt like I became his parent. I was no longer his partner. I analyzed every move, every word that came out of his mouth. I tried tricking him into telling me the truth. IT WAS AWFUL. No one should live that way. And I had been. And the worst part. Was no one really knew the extent of it. I kept it to myself for so long! So looking in from the outside, most people just thought I was a crazy wife. 

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It's crazy to think about all those things I did now. I have come so far thinking about those days. I have also learned a lot since September 2021. One of the biggest and hardest things to learn was that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, Mark is responsible for his recovery and there is not a damn thing in the entire world I can do to make him become sober. Of course, once Mark decided to become sober, there's a ton of things I can do to support Mark.  But Mark's recovery is just that- HIS RECOVERY! No crying, yelling or threatening is going to change that. And guess what, my recover is just that too- MY RECOVERY! I had to choose to make the decision to think about what I can do to change and be a better person. I had to decide what kind of person I wanted to be and it couldn't depend on Mark. I had to be my own person.