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I've been reading Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" for the past year. Every morning it's the first thing I do. It helps me put things into perspective, gives me motivation and just reminds me that I can get through my day. Well today's entry really hit me. The past two days has been talking about emotions and today reminded me that taking care of myself meant that it was okay to feel.
For so long I was told my feelings were ridiculous and that I was too sensitive. So for a very long time, I took those feelings and stuffed them inside. The thing is so many times it took so much courage for me to express those feelings. I was always nervous to express myself. I always overthought my feelings. Always worried so much about what others thought. And then I'd express myself and my feelings were often disregarded. I had severe anxiety growing up but that wasn't a thing. I had social anxiety. I hated being by myself or leaving my mom's side. If I had to do something alone, I was so worried that people were staring at me. That I did something wrong. I was so worked up that I couldn't relax. But mental health wasn't a priority when I was growing up. I had to learn ways to relax or cope with my anxiety on my own.
It wasn't until college that I started to relax and feel more comfortable with who I was and that's because I started drinking. I used alcohol as my coping mechanism. I was able to relax and didn't feel so anxious about everything I did. Obviously the alcohol only helped my problems when I was drinking. I still felt nervous and worried tremendously about everything.
I contribute a lot of what I just said to why I'm a codependent. I was still unmedicated for my anxiety when I met Mark. Our relationship made me feel important. Made me feel loved. Made me feel like I had someone to take care of.
Mark and I did not communicate our feelings to each other much when we were sober. Most of it was done while we were drinking. It was the easiest way for me to communicate. I was relaxed and it was easy. I still thought all those emotions I had when sober were ridiculous and I was too sensitive so I kept them to myself for the most part.
I never realized the damage I was doing to myself by not allowing myself to feel those feelings. To process them, sit with them for a bit and then figure out a way to move on. Nope. I didn't do any of that. I just ignored them.
I've learned a lot about feelings in this past year. I found a therapist who is amaxing! She has taught me so much about my feelings and how to cope with them. I'm 38 years old and just learning that my feelings are okay. It's crazy. I also have gotten help for my anxiety. It took a lot of time and courage for me to finally go to my primary and ask for that help. It took time to figure out what meds worked. Currently I'm on two different meds, but I wouldn't change it for the world. They're the reason I can get through my days.
I would shout from the rooftops and let everyone know that their feelings are important. Feelings are part of life. They're a huge part. They're your emotional wellbeing. You need to take care of it. Let yourself feel them. Don't dwell in them too long but enough to feel them. To accept them and to find ways to cope with them and continue with life.
If there's one thing I hope my kids remember, it is that Mommy & Daddy are a safe place and that they are always able to express their feelings. Their feelings will never be discounted or ignore. They will always be able to tell us how they feel and we will work together to process those feelings. ❤️